Table of Contents
- Preamble: A Brief History of MeA brief history of Len Kennedy, Esq.
- Preface: Freedom of Speech versus Freedom from SpeechEveryone has the right to free speech, but no one has the right to not be offended.
- Prelude: Maturity versus ImmaturityPeople who can’t handle adult language and adult humor have no business calling themselves adults.
- Prologue: Strength versus WeaknessStrength is better than weakness.
- Prolusion: The Period: Dickens ReduxThese are the times in which we live.
Part I: Quips & SquibsIndex of Quips & Squibs
- Quips & SquibsMemes to live by.
- Universal Rules of EtiquetteAs we used to say back in seminary school: Religion is for idiots, but etiquette is for everyone.
- A Writer and His HookersWhere would a writer be without his hookers?
- The Sadistic News NetworkAnd you thought the writers of The Onion were meanies. . . .
- Books That Cause a Tingling Sensation in My Left TesticleA buttload of books with weird, stupid, and ironic titles, some of which are mildly offensive.
- Alternative Uses for a BrickWhat would MacGyver do with a brick?
- A Calm and Rational Analyis of WinterI don’t particularly care for winter.
- OdiumAs Voltaire said in Candide: “If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others like?”
- Drivel, Blather, Prattle, and TwaddleI talk a lot.
- Bad Pick-Up LinesVery few of these pick-up lines will actually get you laid.
- Bilge, Dreck, Tripe, and Schlock for Schlemiels, Schlimazels, Schmucks, and SchmegeggesI’ve done stuff.
Part II: Intermezzo: Bad Poetry for Bad PeopleIndex of Bad Poetry for Bad People
- ArizonaNobody likes mimes.
- ChickensAy ay ay . . . what in the hell do I have to do to keep you people from fucking my chickens?
- If You Make a Girl Snicker, She May Let You Lick HerWell, they say women like a man with a sense of humor.
- A Lesbian’s LamentAh, the power of association.
- THCThat crazy cracker’s woman
Has an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny
Cute and fuzzy little kitty. - Ode to the PaperboyOne of Sylvia Plath’s surprisingly lighthearted suppressed manuscripts.
- Sesquipedalian Love SongUnrequited love sucks.
Part III: Weird Stories for Weird PeopleIndex of Weird Stories for Weird People
- Interview with a Petulant Old ShrewJob interviews suck.
- Interview with a Persnickety, Pugnacious PedantPeople who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw pots that call kettles black.
- A Freak Like MeApparently, lesbians prefer to have sex with other women.
- I Have Weird DreamsMarriage is for suckers.
- A Long, Hard Look at Gun ControlGun control will eventually, undoubtedly, indubitably lead to penis control. And you heard it here first.
- Readings in the Cassandra TimesWell, we certainly live in some interesting times now, don’t we?
- The Infamous StickflipperOld geezers like to slip their disks into little girl’s floppy drives.
- Keeping a Kennedy Tradition AliveEven if there isn’t grass on the wicket, we Kennedys will sometimes still play cricket.
- The StalkerStalkers are cool.
- Lucy in the Sky with DysenteryA mad scientist gets even with a bunch of pestiferous little crickets by using them for scientific experimentation, after she herself is used for scientific experimentation by a bunch of pestiferous little psychologists, but her tampering with the crickets’ genome wreaks havoc on the biosphere.
- Beyond God & DevilGod isn’t real.
- Pile of NothingIf you ever see Jesus hitchhiking, don’t give the bastard a ride.
- How to Quit Smoking and Die AnywayIt’s probably in your long-term best interest to quit smoking. But don’t kid yourself: You’re still going to die.
Epilogue: Quirky Colloquy: A Play in One ActThe whole point of it all is that there really isn’t any point to any of it at all.
Addendum: The Slapdash Mishmash: A LegacyThe Slapdash Mishmash is a revolutionary new style of writing that can be called lexicocentric (word-centered) as opposed to ideocentric (idea-centered).
- An Introduction to the Slapdash MishmashThe Slapdash Mishmash is a form of writing that can be called lexicocentric, which is to say, vocabulary-centered, as opposed to ideocentric, or idea-centered.
- Poppycock?This isn’t just some crackpot cock-and-bull story, some crazy cockamamie confabulation I just conjured up, some pap-smeared piece of paranoic poppycock. . . .
- Der Klusturfuk der KatzenjammerThis morning, upon waking, I found myself transformed in my bed into a wanker with a really nasty katzenjammer. . . .
Appendage: Short Essays on Long TopicsYes, I have some serious writings as well. . . .
- The Cowardice of One’s Convictions: Cognitive Dissonance Theory in a NutshellWhy are our beliefs so resistant to change, and what are some ways in which we can counteract this basic human tendency?
- Controlling Your Emotions before They Control You: Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy in a NutshellAs Epictetus said: Men are disturbed not by things but by the views they take of them.
- Why We Should Be Dying to Live Rather than Living to DieTempus fugit, ergo carpe diem.
