The Sadistic News Network

SNN is a renegade news agency, here in the Midwest.  The following puerile pieces of pap are tidbits of “news” culled from today’s broadcast:

A recent Gallup poll asked whether adultery should be a punishable crime.  51% of the respondents said yes.  The men, however, disagreed.

Researchers have found that an astonishing 15% of today’s teenagers are practicing abstinence.  Coincidentally, an astonishing 15% of today’s teenagers are big fat fatties.

Sex psychologists have found that, rather than making the heart grow fonder, absence leads to compulsive masturbation.

As many of you know, oral sex is a great way to pass the time when there’s nothing on TV.  And as all you nannies know, sometimes it’s the only way to get a kid to shut up.

In last week’s SNN phone poll, people were asked, “Are you in favor of the death penalty for persons convicted of serious crimes, such as murder?”  67% of the respondents said yes.  The other 33% said, “Oh hell yes.”

     Now, here’s the question for this week’s phone poll: “Do you think there should be any penalty for individuals convicted of humorous crimes — for example, if a guy with a couch fetish were to break into a furniture store in the middle of the night and take all the sofas for a ‘test-spin’?”

Two out of three dentists prefer one type of toothpaste, four out of five prefer another brand, and nine out of ten prefer that people not know they have multiple personality disorder.

Statistics show that most people are idiots — but I’m sure most of you already knew that.

Earlier this evening, an unidentified prostitute drowned in a pool of quicksand on the corner of Fourth and Commercial, in downtown Cassandra.  You may want to give your mother a call and make sure she’s all right.

Recent polls show that only a very slim majority of people are still in favor of legalized abortion, and that number keeps dwindling — but to keep things in perspective, it should be pointed out that these polls were financed by the coathanger industry.

A group of highly respectable psychologists has found that no matter how badly the truth may hurt, it doesn’t even come close to the amount of pain we’ll inflict on you if you try suing us.

As many of you already know, the FCC has made many failed attempts at shutting down the Sadistic News Network.  In a completely unrelated story, prodigious numbers of FCC personnel have been dying of AIDS and severe anal bleeding.

Scientists have just discovered that, contrary to popular belief, people actually can fly.  All you have to do is get on the roof of a really tall building, take a long running start, and — once you’re in the air — flap your arms like a spastic on crank.

     Try it . . . you’ll see.