Quips & Squibs

’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have known what it’s like to have sex with someone besides yourself.

Premature ejaculation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Truth is a shaved vulva.

A penny saved is a penny that could have been spent to stimulate the economy, you selfish prick.

“Early to bed, early to rise” makes you miss way too many parties — and you’ll probably wind up living a lot longer than any sensible person would want to.

Middle-aged is just a nice way of saying half-dead.

If nothing’s impossible, then it’s not impossible to find something that’s impossible.

Some think people are basically good; others think people are basically evil — I think people are basically annoying.

I’m the type of person who can get along with anyone — as long as they’re unconscious.

The only people who think smoking marijuana incessantly for years won’t make a person stupid are people who have been smoking marijuana incessantly for years.

I think prosecuting attorneys should be allowed to ask trick questions, like “Did you commit the crime, and what is the opposite of no?”

“Roses are red / Violets are blue. . . .”  Violets aren’t blue — violets are violet.  That’s why we call them violets.

Sleeping dogs are a bunch of lying bastards.

Oddly, “Hogan’s Heroes” was a much bigger hit than “Goebbels’ Gerbils.”

’Tis better to have drunk and puked than never to have drunk at all.

Even excess is all right — as long as it’s practiced in moderation.

Obesity may increase a person’s risk of stroke, diabetes, and heart disease — but on the bright side, it drastically decreases one’s chances of catching any kind of sexually transmitted disease.

The only things that should be taboo are taboos themselves — including this one.

In a sense I’m consistent since I’m consistently inconsistent.

I may be a schmuck, but I’m no schmegegge.

Normal is just a nice way of saying mediocre.

A democracy is a mediocracy in which mediocrity reigns supreme.

There should be more to education than the mere assimilation and regurgitation of mostly useless information.

If more people were more intelligent, maybe they’d realize just how stupid they are.

It’s hard to be popular and intelligent at the same time.

I wonder how many people who live in Albuquerque actually know how to spell Albuquerque.

Charles Bukowski once said that politics is like trying to screw a cat in the ass — and while I don’t doubt the veracity of his statement, I can’t verify it either . . . I really don’t have a whole lot of experience with politics.

Don’t punish yourself for being a masochist.

Beware the naked man who offers you a protein shake.

Money may not buy love, but it can get you a pretty good prostitute.

If you don’t run your business like a business, you will soon be out of business.

When you buy shit on the cheap, don’t be surprised when you get stuck with cheap shit.

I have a feeling that the guy who said “Good things come in small packages” had a microscopic penis.

You know it’s cold when your penis shrinks into a clitoris.

You don’t know what you’ve got till your wife cuts it off and feeds it to the chickens.

Have you ever noticed that everything that supposedly tastes like chicken actually tastes more like human flesh?

If it weren’t for bad taste, I’d have no taste at all.

Vive la risqué, outré, et declassé.

Mi caca es su caca.

People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw pots that call kettles black.

There’s a social stigma attached to masturbation, whereas there should just be a stigma attached to social masturbation.

Mimicry is the sincerest form of mockery.

Diplomacy is the sincerest form of hypocrisy.

Imitation is the sincerest form of unoriginality.

The paradox of being human: Nothing is more natural for us than being artificial.

The old adage “’Tis better to give than to receive” doesn’t just apply to prison sex.

It’s ironic that people used to be sentenced to prison for consensual sodomy — hey, what better punishment for assfucking than . . . more assfucking?

Unlubricated sodomy is a pain in the ass.

It’s ironic that we call swearing adult language when it’s usually the “adults” who get offended by it.

Too many people think they’re refined and sophisticated when they’re really only priggish and prissy.

All too often, conservatism is merely a euphemism for cowardice.

Not only do a lot of ultraconservatives disbelieve in evolution — most of them don’t even participate in it.

Some people’s only redeeming quality is that they’re biodegradable.

Where there’s smoke, there’s probably somebody bitching about it.

Fighting fire with water may be more effective, but fighting fire with fire is a lot more fun.

Blood may be thicker than water, but it leaves a really nasty aftertaste.

I’m beginning to care less and less about more and more.

In the final analysis, the final analysis doesn’t even matter.

If you give a guy a fish, you’ll feed him for a day — but if you give him a poisoned fish, you’ll feed him for life.

Homage to Machiavelli: If you can’t beat ’em, pretend to join ’em . . . and then, after they’ve lowered their defenses — kill ’em.

Homage to Nietzsche: The meek will only inherit the earth if the strong wind up killing each other off.

The enemy of my enemy is still a douche bag.

A fair fight is any fight in which you win.

Assassination is the sincerest form of criticism.

The German philosopher Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz argued that since God is omniscient, He knew all the possible worlds that could have been created; and since God is omnipotent, He certainly had the power to create any of those worlds; and since God is omnibenevolent, He would have undoubtedly created the one that was best suited to His purposes — and presumably ours . . . ergo, this is the best of all possible worlds.  Now, who could possibly argue with that?

I hate it when people are 100% confident when they’re 100% wrong.

Confidence does not imply competence.

Most “self-evident truths” are neither self-evident nor true.

Money can’t buy you love, but love can’t buy you bread.

The apostle Paul said, in I Corinthians 13:11, “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: But when I became a man, I put away childish things” — which only goes to show that if a monkey throws enough darts, he’s bound to hit the bull’s-eye eventually.

People mock what they don’t understand — and what they understand all too well.

Have you ever noticed that an exclamation point in parentheses (!) kind of looks like the rear view of a naked person bending over?

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — I took the one less traveled by . . . and got mauled by some drunk bastard on a bobsled.

Most people’s idea of “freedom”: You’re free to believe whatever you want to believe — as long as it’s basically the same thing I believe.

It’s rather telling that the phrase “He has a mind of his own” is usually meant as an insult.

The rabble are rabble wherever you go.

It’s ironic that, on the Fourth of July, so many Americans celebrate their “independence” by marching to the fireworks display in one big fucking herd.

Americans are a notoriously un-American people.

Whoever said “Honesty is the best policy” was probably a compulsive liar.

Honesty and diplomacy are virtually antipodes.

Trying to be completely honest with yourself, about yourself, is like trying to wash your right arm with your right arm.

Truth is a plastic Jesus melting on the dashboard of a banged-up and rusted-out 1977 Ford F-150 in a forgotten junkyard in the middle of California’s Death Valley.

Concentration camps don’t necessarily improve one’s concentration.

Anyone who tells you writing is easy has almost undoubtedly never written anything worth reading.

Don’t you hate it when you write the pope a letter that’s filled with passion and pathos, and although he does respond, he does so with some backhanded compliment, like “Wow, what a moving missive — such verve and vim, such vivacity and vitality, such variety and versatility . . . I had no idea shit came in so many different flavors”?

“All men are pigs”?  All men?  Even the pope?  Now, he may be an ass, but a pig?

God is love; love is blind; masturbation leads to blindness — draw your own conclusions. . . .

Why do so many people insist that they’re Christians when they’ve never even read the New Testament?  It’s kind of hard to play the role when one has never even read the script.

If most people truly believe that they’re going to heaven when they die, why does the thought of dying usually scare the hell out of them?

There’s a reason we call the “Age of Faith” the Dark Ages.

It’s hard for an atheist with a god complex to believe in himself.

I remember the time I accidentally slipped into a manhole — since then, I’ve been very wary of cross-dressers.