I’m having an affair with a married woman who has a bad (but highly entertaining) habit of mistaking public drinking fountains for bidets, and her husband’s a practicing gynecologist, whose name is John Thomas (but his friends call him Dick), and he’s notorious for using bad pick-up lines, like:

• Hi there, I’m a student of gynecology — would you care for a free exam?
  
  
• If you’re ever in need of a personal trainer, I’m sure I can fulfill all your fitness needs.
  
  
• Do you mind if I slip into something a bit more comfortable — like your pussy?
  
  
• What’s a beautiful corpse like you doing in a dank cemetery like this?
  
  
• If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you have sex with me?
  
  
• Do you mind if I park my purple car in your pink garage?
  
  
• Can I park my bike in your bike rack?
  
  
• May I insert my penis into your vagina?
  
  
• Yes, this is a real gun.
  
  
• Yo.
  
  
• Ooh.
  
  
• Um . . . I . . . uh . . . I . . . um. . . .
  
  
• Ooga booga.  *tickles*
  
  
• Hi.  I’m a rapist.  *rapes*
  
  
• Is that a thimble in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
  
  
• Would you like some “tartar sauce” on your “fish”?
  
  
• Would you like some “sour cream” on your “taco”?
  
  
• Would you like some “really clever metaphor for sperm” on your “equally clever metaphor for vagina”?
  
  
• While it’s true that I’m not a professional dentist, I would be more than happy to drill your cavities.
  
  
• So, I hear you’re on a liquid protein diet. . . .
  
  
• What’s a cute little fetus like you doing in a big sloppy womb like this?
  
  
• Baaaaaaaaa.
  
  
• Nice ass.  Can I fuck it?
  
  
• Oh, wow, you have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.  Can I fuck ’em?
  
  
• I wouldn’t mind crashing my plane into those twin towers, if you know what I mean.
  
  
• Would you notify the Department of Homeland Security if I stormed your cockpit?

. . . and a few days ago, my juicy little mistress went to a beauty salon and asked for a pedicure but was somehow mistakenly given a pedophile (so, needless to say, she’ll never set foot in a Catholic beauty salon again), but, anyway, I think I’ll have to break up with her, before too long, because my girlfriend is starting to suspect something’s up, since she catches us in bed together at least three times a week, and I certainly don’t want to break up with my girlfriend now — she’s bound to be hitting puberty one of these days.