Alternative Uses for a Brick

• A useful tool of neo-Darwinian natural selection, when used to bash in the head of an overly aggressive used-car salesman
  
  
• A painfully effective form of aversion therapy, if — every time you break down and have a cigarette, for example — you use it to smash one of your testicles (trust me . . . this works)
  
  
• An incredibly powerful disciplinary tool, if used to crush the skull of some punk-ass teenager when he’s “acting up”
  
  
• A rather uncomfortable (and not particularly absorbent) tampon
  
  
• A Polish bottle opener
  
  
• A surefire way to get an annoying neighbor to stop snoring — if you smack him upside the goddamn head with it
  
  
• An entertaining way to deliver important messages — by simply taping the note you wish to deliver onto the brick and lobbing it through some prick’s window . . . messages like “Hey, assface, I think you’ve got a broken window.”